I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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