I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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