Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
