I seem to have left my pride at pride
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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