Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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