why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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