you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
