Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
