No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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