Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
