He passed out mid-signature
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
