He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
