My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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