I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Randomize
