yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
