I'm lost and stupid without you.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
