I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
