were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
