The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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