there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
