I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
