nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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