I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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