Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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