Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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