I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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