Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
