the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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