Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
