At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Green mimosas i think yes
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
