I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
