We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
