I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
