i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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