Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize