Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize