chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
