I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize