Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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