I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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