The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize