I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
