The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
