this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
