you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
