I like to think it a success when the cops are called
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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