Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
