My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
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