Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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