Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
