Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
