i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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