I think I died a long time ago.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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