i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
