Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize