Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
