my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
